The Art of Pacing

The timer goes off and my pen goes down. I breathe fully, checking for any resistance and tension, and allowing my breath to soothe my body as it sinks into my wheelchair. I prepare for a sit to stand, gently shifting from side to side before I move my body forward and up. I’m in the kitchen, making a cup of tea, tidying a few things away. The timer goes off and I breathe right down to my feet, standing tall whilst grounded and strong. I settle onto the sofa, a cup of tea, Bertie and Bella curled beside me, a cosy blanket and hot water bottle. I allow my body to rest back in the cushions. I reach for my knitting and I breathe.

My pacing hasn’t always been so finely tuned or infused with such care. I used to think I was pacing when in fact all I was doing was blocking out rest time before and after activities I knew would leave me feeling broken. In my diary, I was accounting for ‘boom and bust’, the medical term for the common pattern of overactivity when you feel a bit better and under activity when you feel a bit worse, but I wasn’t pacing in a way that brought stability to my symptoms or rhythm to my day. This led to real extremes; I could be up on stage performing one week and lying in a hospital bed the next.Read More

Medication or Meditation?

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There’s a bottle of oramorph in my medicine drawer.  Liquid morphine.  It’s sickly sweet, measured in a little cup or syringe.  An opioid painkiller, it’s related to heroin.  It binds to receptors in the spinal cord and brain, blocking the body’s natural response to pain.  It doesn’t necessarily take away pain, but it certainly makes you care less about it.  It’s strong.  It puts you in a woozy haze, somewhere between awake and asleep.  It’s addictive.  Tolerance levels build.  Chronic pain patients can end up taking doses that would kill someone taking it for the first time, and yet they can still be experiencing pain.  Anti-sickness tablets are an essential counterpart, as is water, lots of water, or even better a freezer full of ice-lollies.  Don’t get me started on the drug-induced hangover.Read More